Hear John Lewis read his column:
Hold tight - we’re checking permissions before loading more content
Tuesday is the big day of the week in our house.
This is when the world arrives with a shout and three pairs of muddy boots.
Quiet tables of newspaper quizzes, last week’s pottery trophies and outback crime novels are cleared to make way for the approach of a cyclonic weather front in the form of three brothers aged under 12.
I now call it “Pay Attention Tuesday”, because these three young boys have minds as ravenous as their stomachs.
This means if you lose concentration for a second, you risk being swallowed whole like a dumb sheep dangled over the jaws of a yawning saltwater croc.
This situation is made more intense by the fact these boys are home-schooled and live screenless, activity-based lives, much of it outdoors.
The schedule is relentless.
Mornings are taken up with baking apple and walnut muffins or peppermint chocolate squares, followed by a quick board game of DragonRealm, a Game of Goblins and Gold, while the treats bake in the oven.
They all know the method of weighing, counting and measuring the ingredients because they’ve done this countless times with their mother.
Because we are now in a traditional boomer kitchen, the Chief Gardener, aka Granny, supervises the bake-off, while I yell at Dezzy the spring-loaded crumb guzzler when he tries to bounce on to the kitchen bench.
The Chief Gardener later tells me that all this yelling just reinforces the fact that I suffer from an acute case of imposter syndrome when it comes to playing the role of who is the actual boss of this house.
After mid-morning cakes and goblins, it’s bushwalk time before lunch.
Desmond takes a lead role in this activity as he points out the scent deposits of every dog that has gone before him since yesterday.
Meanwhile, I am educated on the chevron flight patterns of ducks, the harvesting of honey from backyard bee hives, and the benefits of tree sap as a glue for spearheads, a water proofer for boots and fire starter when things are wet.
Then it’s home for a lunch of pies or more home cooking.
This is followed by more board games with musical interludes on the piano and guitar.
This week, we also got the paints out — an experience I am still recovering from.
Unlike a lot of kids their age, Ezzy, Hekkie and Milo are not shy around adults.
They force you to engage, look you in the eye and say what they think.
They don’t exhibit “us and them” behaviour around grown-ups; they easily engage in conversation with anyone and they each have their own titanium-plated bullshit detector.
This all makes it rather difficult for a pretend wiseman with years of pretend wisdom behind him to convince these three man-boys that you know something or two about life.
How to plant garlic?
Easy, we’ve got a huge patch at home.
How to sew a patch on your jacket?
No problem, just give me a needle and thread.
Ever heard this jazz riff?
Yeah, Miles Davis is great.
What do you know about Leonardo da Vinci?
Oh come on Poppy, everyone knows he painted the Last Supper, invented the first helicopter and could do mirror writing.
It’s all very deflating around these three.
And remember — adults can’t rely on screens as passive supervisors.
You can’t give them an hour of Fortnite or Pokemon or engineering or alphabet games and pretend they’re having a learning experience while you sneak off for a doze, or a stiff brandy.
Pay Attention Tuesdays have been a regular thing for the past month.
After each one, we clear up and enjoy a long sit down.
We also leave our phones alone and pay attention to the world around us.
We’re learning as we go.
John Lewis is a former journalist at The News.